kota_rello

I'm lonely. Also very horny. One I can deal with, one I'm starting to lose on dealing with. Won't say which one is which. At least I have a job.

Why do I hurt those I care for? Why do I make them hate me? Am I really destined to be alone? Is that a sign that I can't be with anyone, that I'd only hurt them? I think I hurt some I care for. I think I may have hurt them again. I wouldn't be surprised. Seems the saying of 'you hurt the ones you love the most' applies to me more than anything else.

Why does everyone assume that I'm like them and enjoy Christmas? I don't. It's full of bright lights, bright flashing lights, screaming kids, and family going 'you didn't tell us what you wanted.' Why tell what you want when you never get it anyways? I hate little kids. I hate loud noises. I absolutely hate cameras. My family knows this. I am subject to little kids and loud noises. I am subjected to cameras and the bright flashing lights of them. I am expected to be happy about it. I am expected to lie and say that I'm happy and having a good time, yet I get bitched at for lying. What the hell makes Christmas so damned special that I'm supposed to magically make my light and audio sensitivities go away. Fuck this. No more of it. My family can suffer another day without me next year. Why the hell should I do something that I hate and causes me some degree of pain just to make a few people happy that never listen to me and just bitch. I may only have my family, and they have helped me out, but I hate every one of them.

My life sucks. It's pretty much worthless. Really don't have any friends, not in a relationship. Anyone I'm interested in just wants to be friends, lives to far away, just got out of a bad relation, or was leading me on. I have no one. I doubt I will. Within the past few weeks, there have been many times that I wish the crash did kill me. It's one of the major reasons I drink. I drink to forget. I drink to numb the pain. I drink for a few hours of blissful ignorance in which I don't have to feel or think about anything. That's why I drink now-a-days.

Work didn't go so well on Thursday. Moved a couple peices of merchandise and had to run for my meds. Back pain came in waves and was bad enough it was bringing me to tears until the vicodin kicked in. Thank Yinepu I decided to bring them. Went back to the doc today (Friday), and got some bad news. Another two weeks off of work for physical therapy. My one year mark for working where I do was on the 17th, so I have 2 weeks of vacation time. Only problem is my bi-polar Regional Manager has to approve it. I'll sic my step-dad on him if need be. Everyone acts like my RM's bitch, but everyone knows that my RM is my step-dad's bitch.

I found out for fact how close I came to losing my life on December 6 of this year. I knew within a couple days after the fact that I almost lost it, and how lucky I was to walk away. Now I know truly how lucky and how close I was. I learned a valuable lesson then, but it was driven home harder than anything else could. Like driving a nail in wood with a meteorite. You really don't know what have and what you lost until the most precious gift you have on this earth is almost stripped of you. Only then do you realize that what you have can be taken away from you at a moment's notice. Family. Friends. Loved ones. They could all be taken away in a heart beat, and all that's left is regret. start thinking about what you could have done--what you should have done. Things that you could have done differently, maybe you should have done differently. The recent events made me look back at my life and how I've treated others. They say I'm a good person, but I'm nothing more than the villain in the story of my life. I don't deserve the good things I've had. I don't deserve what I have now. I know that some things cannot be forgiven easily, and some things cannot be forgiven at all. I only hope that those I wrong can forgive me for what I done, and that I will never forget the lesson I learned. I hope that I do not change back to what I was before the incident. Regret and remorse, two things that can tear down even the most strong willed and hard headed.

10 days since the accident and I still have the bruises. Pretty yellow one on my left arm and two nice yellow ones where the nosepeice of my sunglasses sat during the accident. I get to go back to work on Thursday, the 18th. I'm so fucked. Won't get a paycheck this Friday, and I'll only get a 3 day check next Friday. My step-dad was right. God still has a purpose for me, and it's to put me through more hell. God may have saved this queen, but he's handing him over to Lucifer next. That made me think for a moment. Was there something happening over in England that made them all say 'God save the Queen' and God glanced over at the U.S. and seen my predicament? If so, it's about time the Brits done something useful.

63 calls received since I called my dad Saturday to tell him I was in an accident. I know that my family and friends are worried about me, but god damned. I can understand them calling a few times yesterday and a few times today, but this is just ridiculous. Talked to my dad's mom and dad today. 1.25 hours on the phone with them. And for the idiots that might read this, the 1.25 hours translates into 1 hour and 15 minutes. I turned my phone off from about 3 P.M. till around midnight. Changed my voicemail thingy, too. Just said that I was still sore, I don't need anything, I would call someone if I did need something, and that I appreciated thier call.

Always wear yer seatbelt. They really do save lives.

I wrecked my Geo Tracker at about 2:40 P.M. on Saturday, December 6. I hit a bad patch of ice and flipped the tracker. I happened kind of fast. Hit the guard rail on west-bound I-74 flipped the tracker, missed being decapitated by 4 inches, and hit the guard rail on the right side of the road on I-74 east-bound (right side if I was going east.). That was about 25-30 feet of air time. Could have been 50 feet. I was too busy flying through the air to get a measurement. Tracker landed on it's top. Had to climb out of the back window. Stood up and almost fell down again from the upper back pain. Also lucky that I didn't get hit by the semi that was in the lane I stopped in. Tracker was laying on the right lane. Nice people who stopped and helped me. Already had an ambulance on its way. Superficial lacerations to my bottom lip, below the bottom lip, my forehead, on top of my head, below my right knee, and from mid thigh to above my knee on the left leg. Quite a few people told me that I'm lucky to be alive. And, from all the accounts I gathered from the wreck, I really should count myself very lucky to be alive. My upper back is sore as hell. Hurts to stand, hurts to bend over, hurts to hold things. Just plain hurts. I'm on vicodin, though. That should help somewhat. I wonder if I could sue the state highway department for not keeping the roads in a safe condition, especially with the forcasts for the next few days. Seriously. They should have put down salt and kept it down. I wasn't the only accident. There was 5 other accidents within a 1 mile stretch. The same 1 mile stretch that I was on. It was also a bad day for my grandparents on my dad's side. They had to put thier dog to sleep this morning.